Seeing Your Child Through a New Lens

A new paradigm for approaching behavior

Your child’s behavior is driving you crazy!

Rewards don’t work. Reasoning doesn’t work. Yelling doesn’t work. Now what?

Until recently behavior was only seen as an act of the will - something a child chooses to do. But recent discoveries in neuroscience show that behavior stems from responses way below the conscious level in the central nervous system. The drive to avoid threat and remain safe is what drives behavior.

A person’s brain is constantly checking (4 times/second) to know if their body is safe. Without the feeling of safety, a person is unable to connect socially and is unable to engage the part of the brain that can make rational decisions.

This “felt safety” is about perceived safety not literal safety. “Felt safety” is a subjective experience (unique to an individual) that is a result of a person’s internal experiences, relationships (caregiver and others) and their environment. Deb Dana, author of Rhythm and Regulation, regards its this way: responses are a result of everything inside, outside and in between.

(Throughout this blog I will be referring to the behavior of a child, but this information is true for all humans. Robyn Gobbel often refers to this approach as being human-informed.)

What this means is that more often than not, a child will respond to a situation in a way that is familiar to their body in order to protect themselves. To put it another way, your child is doing the best that they can, in the moment, with the skills that they have, to keep themselves safe.

Does this mean it is the best way to respond? NO! Does it mean it is the most appropriate way to respond? NO! And because most responses happen below a conscious level, they are not fully aware of why they are doing what they are doing.

Our job as caregivers is to show up for them and through connection, help them feel safe in their bodies and learn how to engage their thinking brain to manage their responses. To do that we need to see what is going on below the surface.

I can hear you saying, “Wait, wait, wait! My child is totally safe. They have a family, they go to school, they have three meals a day and a roof over their head. What is this about safety?”

I am glad you asked! This shift in perspective about behavior is going to take some time to process. Any shift in thinking takes adjustment. For me, it was an “Aha!” moment that helped me understand my own neuro-diverse child. I hope you will hang in there and give it a chance. It can guide you in a new understanding of your child, a child in your sphere of influence or perhaps, yourself.

I have taken many classes and seminars on this approach and there is a lot to learn but I will try to break it down into its basic elements.

First, a few guiding principles to understanding this approach to behavior:

Principle # 1: The Autonomic Nervous System protects the body through management of Energy and arousal levels

The autonomic nervous system is the system in the body that controls automatic body functions (heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, digestion, etc.), survival responses and social engagement. This system of sensory input and motor output controls all of these essential functions without us having to think about them. The job of the autonomic nervous system is to keep the body safe through control of energy and arousal levels.

Three pathways of the autonomic nervous system operate sequentially to respond to situations in the environment. The body constantly moves through these pathways throughout the day. A ventral vagal pathway is ready for connection and social engagement, feels safe and is emotionally regulated and can access higher thinking skills.

If a threat is perceived, the sympathetic pathway is activated and readies the body for action. In this stressed state, the thinking brain goes “offline” and a response look like a meltdown, a tantrum or even excessive silliness.

If completely overwhelmed, the body move to a dorsal vagal pathway. Here, withdrawal and shut down are the key components. The body slows down, eyes gaze downward, shoulders slump in an effort to conserve energy. Sometimes overlooked as quiet compliance, this state can be missed as a cry for help.

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Principle #2: A child learns to regulate their own emotional arousal levels through co-regulation.

The next step in understanding emotional responses starts with a discussion about how a child learns to regulate their own systems as they mature. Regulation, as defined by Dr. Dan Siegel, is keeping the accelerator and brakes of arousal in balance. When a child is born they are completely dependent on an adult to help them modulate their arousal. They learn to regulate their own system through connection with a regulated caregiver. This co-regulation is what lays the foundation for self-regulation.

Imagine a baby that is hungry (uncomfortable and unsafe) and starts to cry. A caregiver comes (with its own system in a mobilization state) and picks up the baby and begins to rock and speaks to the baby in a calming fashion. The adult is using their regulated nervous system to regulate the baby’s nervous system. Over time the baby begins to learn how to regulate their own bodies.

It is important to note that if a child does not experience the presence of a regulated adult during early development, it delays its ability to self-regulate. This is why children who experience disrupted relationships early in life often struggle with social-emotional behavior. In blogs to come I will address further implications of trauma on a child.

Principal # 3 Connection is a biological Imperative

As humans, we are always seeking connection. It is how we are wired in our brains. A child needs connection to regulate their physiological being. It is in the presence of a connected caregiver that a child can grow and develop. When a child is operating in their window of tolerance (tolerating stress without freaking out), they are available for and desire connection. One of the challenges of a child who has experienced toxic stress or has sensory processing challenges is that the very connection they need is perceived as threatening. This is exhausting for them and can lead to challenging behaviors.

This is where the importance of being a regulated caregiver who can come alongside a child and BE the embodiment of regulation for them. They can ask in the moment:

Is this child regulated?

Is this child connected to me or to themselves?

Is this child feeling safe?

Here is where we really can dig deeper into behavior. We can look below the surface when a child is acting out. We can first determine if their physiological needs are being met. Are they hungry? Are they thirsty? Are they getting enough sleep?

We can prioritize being regulated ourselves in the moment so the child can experience co-regulation. Am I hungry? Am I getting enough sleep? Do I have enough margin? Check out my previous blogs on rest to learn more.

Consider your child’s lived experience. Are they over or under reactive to certain senses? If so, this could be impacting their ability to regulate and experience “felt safety.” (More on this to come!) Seek out an occupational therapist if you suspect your child struggles with this.

Stay tuned to my blog and my Instagram (@goskippingstone) for some examples of seeing what factors can lie beneath behaviors.

I hope that you are starting to see behavior in a new way. It takes time and practice to learn to respond to our children’s behavior with their nervous system in mind. It is not about being a perfect parent but it is about being on a journey of connection and helping your family move towards success in your everyday life.

How to Find Emotional Rest in an Emotionally Exhausting World

Your heart swells as your little one blurts out “Mama” for the first time.

You burst with anger as your teen talks back for the 15th time today.

Anticipation of talking to your child’s teacher after “the incident” has your stomach doing flip flops.

Frustration consumes you as you find food wrappers and dirty dishes all over the family room.

Maybe you are experiencing a bout of loneliness as you long just to have an adult conversation.

As mothers and caretakers, we are asked to pull from our emotional banks all day long - believe me, as a mother of seven, I understand completely.

If you picture your emotions as a piggy bank, you are constantly making withdrawals. Have you ever considered that you need to replenish the bank before your emotional stash is drained or depleted? An empty bank can lead to burnout, exhaustion and hopelessness. Not only does this have a toll on our relationships and mental health, but it can take a physical toll as well.

Important Note: If you are feeling hopeless for days or can’t seem to function in your daily roles, you may need some professional emotional support. Ask a friend, your local church or mental health provider for recommendations. You can also look here for recommendations from Psychology Today.

Emotional fatigue is explained clearly by Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, in her book, Sacred Rest,

We each have an internal capacity to manage emotions. We pour out of this space as we offer sympathy to a friend who just lost her husband, console a tearful toddler in our arms, or encourage our coworker on a job well done. Each interaction is giving a bit of ourselves. When our emotional withdrawals exceed our emotional capacity, we will experience emotional fatigue.

If we learn to recognize and monitor our emotional fatigue levels, we can start to seek out emotional rest before we get to the point of exhaustion.

Getting the emotional rest you need is the topic of our next stop on our journey of rest.

What Is Our Emotional Goal?

Having emotions is what makes us human. Emotions connect us. Protect us. And makes us have a sense of self. “Our emotions often dictate our choices and decisions,” says Suzie Lawyer, a licensed professional counselor. “When emotions are healthy our decisions are more sound and thought through. When our emotions are out of control, we often make decisions based on a reaction instead of careful thought. Rest gives us the opportunity to process our emotions and begin to regulate them so that our default responses are ones that will have a positive outcome.”

The goal is not to avoid emotions but to give our bodies and minds the proper rest we need so that we can experience our emotions in a healthy way and function at our optimum level.

Keeping ourselves functioning and running smoothly is an important goal. But did you know that our children’s brains are actually physically changed as a result of what they experience in relationship with us as parents?

“Thriving is an interconnected experience.”

In the book, The Whole Brain Child, Dan Siegel says about relationships, “we soak up like a sponge what we see in the behaviors, intentions, and emotions of someone else.” This will come up again and again in all the rest series - as parents, we are not only seeking rest to keep ourselves healthy, we are modeling behaviors so our children can grow and develop into their own best mental, physical and spiritual selves.

Our goal then, is to be our best emotional selves so we can help our kids be their best emotional selves. Thriving is an interconnected experience.

How Do You Know If You Need Emotional Rest?

How can we be aware of our emotional rest needs? Let’s look at some signs of emotional fatigue.

• You lack the ability to feel emotions as you once did or you feel emotionally numb

• You continually isolate yourself from others

• You often focus only on your failures and flaws

• You feel self-doubt and insecurity regularly, which hinders your tendency to try new things

• You constantly feel the need to apologize or explain yourself in order to compensate for who you are

• You get disappointed and angry with yourself for small mistakes

• You become engulfed in thoughts of worry or anxiety often

• You are easily distracted and struggle to focus

• You lash out at your children, your spouse and others in your life

If any of these sound familiar, you could probably use some emotional rest.

So, What Can You Do to Experience Emotional Rest?

The term “emotional rest” can feel wishy-washy and far off, but there are many tangible ways to replenish your emotional tank. It’s important to take time regularly to tend to your emotions so that you don’t reach complete emotional exhaustion.

Here are a few ways to find emotional rest today:

Take Emotional Inventory - are there events or people in your life who drain you emotionally? You may not be able to completely eliminate them, but you can minimize these emotional stressors in your life.

Stop Comparing Yourself - Seriously. Changing yourself to fit in or trying to act in a certain way is extremely emotionally taxing. Instead, just be yourself! Embrace who you are. Write a list of things you are good at it - nothing is too small to add to the list. If you need to stay away from social media for awhile, do it! You got this!

Take the Risk of Vulnerability - I won’t lie to you and tell you this works every time. Vulnerability is a risk. However, if you are willing to take the risk to open up to a trusted friend or family member, you are taking a step towards an emotionally restful connection.

Take 15 minutes for yourself - As caregivers we are almost always giving to others. Make time for yourself. Set a timer. Schedule it in. Get up before everyone else. Let your spouse take over when they get home. Trade off with a friend. Having time to yourself and not being responsible for anyone else can go a long way towards restoration.

Exercise - Even just 15 minutes of exercise can help lower the stress hormones in your body and restore emotional balance.

Okay, so maybe you want to explore emotional rest in a deeper capacity. Here are a few ways to find emotional rest if you feel you need a bit more:

Meet with a Counselor or Therapist - Seeking counseling is a healthy way to help you understand and monitor your emotions well. Think of this as training for your emotions. You have to teach yourself how to manage your emotions well and a therapist can help with that. This is not a sign of weakness, but is a step towards health.

Start an Emotions Journal - This is a great way to reflect on your current emotions and learn to monitor them well. There are lots of great resources out there for how to create an emotions journal. Essentially, you start with some prompts and just start writing. This article is a great resource for getting started . Journaling is a proven way to reduce stress and negative emotions.

We often forget to monitor our emotions until we reach complete emotional exhaustion. If we learn to see the signs of emotional fatigue before we reach this point, we can start to find the daily emotional rest that we need. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others.

Questions about emotional rest? Feel free to email me or make a comment on the Skipping Stones Facebook page.